Guest Blogger: The Urban Bachelorette

Tags: single, education

While we were discussing her book, Karin and I talked about her website and her expectations for it as a promotion tool for her book, but also as a platform for women of all ages to speak out about maintaining their identity. Women struggle to maintain their identity every day in both their personal and professional lives. How do you do that when there is a lot of pressure to change, to conform to the expectations of others? And how do you find that balance that comes when a compromise needs to be made in order to move forward?

When I was in school, I was in the top of my class. Teachers, parents (although they are biased at times) and others always commented on my intelligence and my abilities/talents. I am well-read and versed in a number of subjects. Since my days of traditional schooling, I have not only been interested in what was being taught, but what else I could learn for myself through life experiences or books, and later, the internet and other media outlets. I have a natural ear for music and have used it to pursue various instruments although I did mainly focus on the piano and in the past few years, the violin.

I am from a family of three children and have both an older and a younger brother. Now they are not dullards or anything of the sort, but it was always acknowledged that when it came time to do our homework or projects, all the way through high school, it always came easy and natural to me while they had to study and didn’t always get good grades, despite their efforts. And that’s how it was through our formative school years. There was no question, we would all be going on to college and perhaps earn degrees above the baccalaureate level. Especially since I graduated 11th in my high school class.

Flash forward roughly ten years.

For a variety of reasons, I dropped out of college and while I have a number of credits under my belt, I am still a ways off from a bachelor’s degree. Both my brothers have graduated from college, with my elder brother well on his way to his master’s degree.  I made a decision and when I made it, I may not have known all the consequences, but I knew it was the right decision for my life.

Since then I have defended my choices and to this day, I own that decision.

I now have more than 15 years of professional experience in my career, but because I do not have a degree, my pay is less, I am passed over for even initial interviews, and I find that I glaze over this fact when I meet new people, professionally, romantically, or just as new acquaintances.

I know that I am intelligent and that I can handle the work load given to me in addition to learning and improving my professional skill set. I would prefer that people look at my skills and work experience over whether or not I finished college, but sadly that is rarely the case.

So what does this have to do with maintaining my identity?

Over the years, I’ve met people who are my equal in intelligence and I enjoy a good stimulating conversation, but many times I’ve been given the brush off or a retort with a tone that indicates I’ve lost some credibility with them because I lack a baccalaureate degree. Mind you, there could be other reasons, but there have been enough times that conversation dwindled after letting that fact out to make this conclusion.

I am not ashamed that I have not finished my education. I continue to learn from many different assets at my disposal and have a desire to complete my higher education in a subject that fascinates and intrigues me. I don’t want to do this because I get a guilty feeling from outsiders, family or friends with the best of intentions, but because I see it as one more way to improve upon myself. And if I don’t do so for whatever reason, then that is my decision and as I’ve said before I will have to own that one as well.

This experience has led me to where I am today and I truly appreciate my current position where I am valued, not because I have a piece of paper awarding me a degree, but instead as a result of my skills, experience, and hard work. And whether it is a friend, family, or professional relationship, I am who I am and will not change that for anyone.

Sounds like a pretty solid position right?  How many times have I been in a relationship and lost some or even most of myself because of someone else? Let’s just say too many to count. While I can maintain my identity despite the preconceived notion that without a degree I am incapable of doing this job or that position, when it comes to romantic relationships, I’m still a work in progress.

Figuring it out has been one of my biggest struggles. I want a partner, friend, lover, etc. I find that people feel I am too independent to need someone else. Well, I’m certainly not needy, but I do still need someone. Yes, I can fix the washing machine when it breaks, but I can’t cuddle with myself and watch a movie. I may not need someone to be my repairman, but while I’m happy doing things on my own, I would love to have someone to share moments with and enjoy a walk, car ride, or sunset with.

More often than not, I find that when someone wants to be with me, I am so ecstatic to have someone want me that I forget I can be happy without them. I don’t have romantic relationships to compliment my life as it is currently, but to be infused in all aspects of my life to the point that either I or, more often, the other person, eventually feels smothered and that initial fire is nothing but a fading ember. We part ways and move on to the next looking for a compliment but continue to fall into the same patterns time and again.

How can I be so strong in who I am with everyone but those that I am romantically involved with?

That’s why I’m here, and its why, with the help of Karin, her book, and all the other voices contributing to this site, I hope to find strength to stop feeling that I’m not a complete person without someone by my side. And I will not settle for anything less than maintaining who I am while in a mutually beneficial relationship with another.